It has been a minute since my last post. And prior to this small break it had been a minute since i was engaging in social media. Believe me when i say that this may be one of the hardest things i will speak about here on my blog. For starters, it is something very personal and very dear to me, as well as something that completely changed my life forever. But i know that with me sharing my story, at least this small part of it, i may help someone else heal.
“In life you must decide how to proceed after every heartbreak, even if you feel like you may never find the strength to”.-Cruz
Last year around this very time i was super excited. My excitement came from the fact that i was expecting. Yes, i was expecting a beautiful baby girl. I celebrated my birthday on May 3rd, which had been around two months after Covid began to hit us, and to be honest, i had not been so happy and scared in my whole life. I was facing the stressors of life, but in the midst of it all i was still happy to become a mom once again.
I was only 30 weeks. After celebrating my birthday on the third of May, i woke up the next day with tremendous pain. I had no idea that i was in labor until mid-day when i had lost my mucus plug and was experiencing labor pains back to back. I thought they were braxton hicks, as i have been pregnant before. But these contractions were more consistent.
Turn of events
I began counting the minutes that my contractions were lasting, and before i knew it my water broke. I felt my heart drop to the floor and felt like everything slowed down and went in slow motion. The water seemed different than any other time i had experienced this. I got scared and was getting ready to just wait for the ambulance. Long story short… I got to the hospital and was greeted by a nurse. As she examined me she had this puzzled look on her face. I tried to think positive and was happy to just be finally in the hospital. She took a very long time to come back. When she did return, she came back with a doctor. Once i saw the doctors eyes i knew something was terribly wrong. She explained that the nurse was not able to find my babies heart beat, so she tried herself. Then she confirmed it and said to me that the baby had past.
Labor pains going through pain
You may be thinking, well what happened next?…. Well, i was still in labor. I still felt the pains. I still felt my uterus contracting. I still felt everything you feel when you are going through labor, except that this time i was in more pain than ever before.
Here i was looking at all the nurses and doctors trying to help me deliver my baby, and i remember thinking.. This could not be me. Almost like having an outer body experience. Why was this happening? And before i could think of anything else, the time came for me to push.
The birth of my angel was nothing short of perfect. I had not received any medication, nor had i requested for any. I remember the doctor saying that the baby was coming out feet first, which is strange because i had always delivered a baby head first. She descended feet first and was born. Me and the father of the baby were devastated. I wanted to respect her and not take many pictures. But i managed to take one of her feet. I could tell her skin was still in need of a bit more time to develope because in some areas she was still pink. There she was. My little angel. Lifeless. I had never felt that type of numbing pain in my entire life, yet in the midst of this storm i still managed to thank God for being merciful and taking her when he did. I would have hated to have lost her after taking her home.
How can someone heal after that? I found the strength to begin my healing process, and at the same time realized that everyone heals differently. I don’t think you ever forget. Of course you don’t. But after sometime the pain does subside. Still to this day i see the clothe she wore and the blanket they swaddled her in and it brings a heart wrenching feeling over me. But i remember her with love. Always. She was born on May 5th, and of course that day will never be the same for me. Im sorry but i just can’t share any pictures right now. I want to respect my daughters memory.
A year later
Here i sit writing this long post today, precisely one day before my birthday, and i am compelled to speak about my story with you all. Also, to give way to announce that again, i sit here blessed to be expecting once again. I thought that i would never be able to have any more children after that experience, yet here i am not only expecting, but expecting twins. Yes i said that right. Two little blessings.
I waited to announce it because of what had happened to me, but also to make sure that everything was ok for me to even mention it. Im at my last two weeks of my pregnancy, and i am so looking forward to meeting my little boy and little girl. I hope that everything goes well. I have literally done nothing but take amazing care of myself and have gone to every appointment that i was told to attend. I have taken every medication that i have needed to take, and to be honest i have never felt better.
I am sharing my story in hopes to help someone out there realize that you are not alone. That there is happiness after a loss, and that God will never give you more than what you can bare. I will not get into too much detail about my current pregnancy, but all i can say is that God has been faithful and i am more than overjoyed.
I hope that soon i will share some more news regarding my babies, but in the meantime, i will leave you with these few words.
“If you let the bad things that happen in your life paralyze you emotionally, you will never make room for new emotions and experiences to blossom and bring you happiness”.-Cruz
Thank you for reading this post. 🙂
My heart goes out to any mother that has had to go through a loss, either before or after the pandemic.